this is all fucked up. i feel like i'm in high school pouring out my feelings to a xanga account.

there's two things that are fucked up. maybe three. okay three.

first, i'm fucked up. because i am too honest, i'm too giving, i invest myself too much in things that don't give back. i invest myself too much in PEOPLE that dont give back. i forget all the reasons i hate girls. i forget a lot of reasons. i'm fucked up this time of year to begin with...from mid-february for at LEAST the next two months i'm a guaranteed emotional, thinking/feeling mess who has no rhyme or reason for anything because i'm just pretty much recessing into some pseudo-form of depression and self preservation. i'm just defensive in all aspects, sleepy, angry, sad, touchy. MESS. add graduation to that mix of emotional mess, and that's fucked up. add people who you loved and trusted slowly recess into something you never thought they were, and that's fucked up.

which brings me to "second." im pissed at myself, because i never wanted to go back to that. i never wanted to go back to giving everything, being taken advantage of, under appreciated as a person and a friend, walked all over, kind of shit. this time was different. when i was younger and actually IN high school, i was used to it. i could see it coming, and i could deal with it. but these people who i trusted, who i gave everything to, who are reasons for me being here in the long run ...when they just slowly leave you out to dry when you're just the honest, involved, compulsive person you always have been and always will be.
i've always been blatantly honest. i've never been complacent. i've always been a doer and a mover. i've never just sat around and let things happen. i never say anything that isnt true, to the best of my knowledge. i never never NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!! If you've always known me to be so, then why is it so different now. if i trust you and you respect me and i respect you enough to do the things i do for you, why are you going to turn your back on me for being the way i've always been just because you get blindsided by life for a second. GROW UP. yes, i'm going to say "well i would do that." or "i can't beleive that. i could never think of that" BECAUSE I CANT. I SAY WHAT I THINK. YOU KNOW THESE THINGS.

third. i'm disappointed in those people. who loose sight of so much. i have not changed. i have been the same person i have been since day one. i get a boyfriend, i'm still honest. i go home every few weekends, who cares, i can still have fun. i become a senior, and it all goes down the drain? sure. when you get to the hardest part everyone who doesnt relate hangs you hight and dry. that's cool. i would give to shits if it weren't people i care about, but the people who i would never expect because they havent been the kind of rock these others have been are the ones sad to see me go meanwhile those close to you watch you fall apart and criticize you? well that's fucked up. get a grip. like i said, GROW UP, and think a little outside your box. get a little less self centered.

NO. when i say something, it's not because I want to see it go another way, it's because it's just what i think, or what i know is supposed to happen. its not because i want to move mountains or change the world or get any credit for anything. do what you want. get kicked in the ass later in life and think about all the things and people you left behind that would be there to wipe you up when you're flat across the floor like that. it's cool. people end up appreciating things like this and people like this eventually. it's just too unfortunate that i dont get to reap the benefits of such friendships because most people don't realize this kind of shit until it's all gone.