Oh boy, what a life I lead. There are a lot of surmounting pressures that are very much weighing me down these days, and on top of it all, the frequent lacking personal free-time is really getting to me.
First of all, I can not believe that I need to find a life. A real life soon. I don't really want to, but I know it's inevitable. This whole GRE, grad school prep, applications thing is very stressful. More so this time around than even the getting into college in the first place part. I know that life will only remain stressful (hopefully) juggling a job or two and more school, but I honestly can't see myself doing anything else right now. I can not wait a few years and go back. I can not put my goals on hold at this point, because if I even think about it, I will only lose the little bit of momentum I still do have for this kind of stuff. I hope that everything works out the way I envision it. I do not want to have to move away, that will only complicate things. I do not want to end up one of those people who wasted a 4 year degree and an expensive private school because you just can't do anything with a B.A. in Psychology alone. #1 stressor.
M.Freakin'Elections, numero dos. Not only is it stressful being a senior in and of itself, but now I have to get ready to give up and pass on an organization that is one of the biggest priorities in my life. I never imagined being involved in Greek life to begin with, so the mere fact that it has taken on it's own entity and ginormous space in my life is sometimes still very baffling to me. Sometimes, when I'm sitting there interviewing these girls who are the future of it all, and I can tell it's just not clicking for them, it's really disheartening. This year is so intense, and I know that it's never easy for any outgoing officers or nominating committees, but for Jesus sake, this one is a doozy. I know it always works out, or it works out the best it possibly can for the time being, and I'm really counting on those few people who have realism, respect, and a true outlook of what is in store for them. Those are the people who will keep everything afloat, and those are the people that make me feel better about everything.
I'm still mad at myself for my first two years at college. No matter what I can do, I just can't get anymore A's. I cant make that goddamned GPA jump any higher than I can. On one hand, I give myself a break, because I really had a lot going on, a lot not going on, and a whole barage of mental and physical things that really took a big priorty in my life and even when they weren't paramount, they still distracted me from other things, classes included. And it's really whatever now, because I obviously know that I can't change it, nor would I want to change those things that caused it because I'm a totally better and different person because of it all, but...why does it have to be lurking in the shadows all the time. Why do I have to defend my difficult life decisions in an essay to a grad school that might not even take me because my GPA isn't superstar awesome fantastic? ...I'll get over it. It's just annoying.
Phone bills. Not that it's the phone bill itself that is the stressor, but it's the reason behind the phone bill instead. It's the reason that I just want to pick up the phone every other half hour to call someone I just can't stand to be away from anymore. At first it was easy, or easier, because it's all we ever had, outside of our lengthy friendship prior to. At this point, it's just a nuisance or more than that even. At this point it's just something that is really getting in the way of everything I want to be with every day forever. At this point it's something that is causing me to use an obscene ammount of cell phone minutes in a one month span because all I want to do is say I love you a thousand times a day. Though at the same time, I dont want to grow up and leave college and all of that jazz, I want to be at a place where theres nothing inbetween anymore. Where it's easier and the future, this future, is now...or at least sooner. I'd be okay with sooner.
The sooner life calms down the better. Serious.
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