"The only reason for time is that everything doesn't happen at once" Einstein

Well sometimes, every time I stumble upon something like this that I used to try and keep, I stop and wonder for a minute why I ever stopped writing and try to rev it back up again. I have just spent a few minutes reading and reflecting the words i had written so many many months ago. Here I am, more than two years later. Despite everything I feared and thought during that last semester...I apparently survived.

The life i left last time i typed for these pages is completely different than the life i currently lead. I miss that life. I miss being able to have a good balance between my desires to be a hard ass worker and a carefree kid. I've always found something to pour my heart and soul and 150% work ethic into, and real life is no different. Despite my worries that I would never ever ever find something to do with my life that I'd be happy with, I did and I am. My job right now is good, despite the bs that I'm sure goes on in any work place, school place, any place.

I have, however realized and reaffirmed my belief that i refuse to be anything less than the best at what i'm doing. It's a little neurotic and a little insane. The kind of overachieving i put out there is not your average. I don't overachieve across the board. I overachieve in a concentrated manner. I overachieved in high school by being an effective leader on a team. I overachieved in college by being so incredibly educated and involved in our sorority. I am overachieving now in my job by self teaching and KNOWING to the utmost ability everything there is to know about being an effective teacher for young minds. It's disgusting really, but it's me.

For a bit of fun in my life, here is a bit of old time survey. I like to find these on old blogs/journals and re-do them and compare :)

1. your philosophy on life

(honestly)

2. the way you handle your problems

(speak my mind)

3. what you love

(my boyfriend)

4. what you hate

(whining)

5. your favorite thing to do

(relax)

6. your music

(loud)

7. your friends

(the same)

8. your enemies

(gone)

9. your time in high school

(spirit)

10. your time in college

(alpha sigma alpha)

11. what you think about other people

(annoying)

12. what other people think about you

(bossy) - hey, it's probably true...

12. the place you would be if you could be anywhere

(maui, hawaii)

13. your aspiration in life

(understanding kids)

14. how you're feeling right now

(uncomfortable)

15. what you did yesterday

(sleep)

16. what you did today

(played with kids)

17. what you will do tomorrow

(play with kids)

18. what you want to do

(sit at the bar)

19. if you could say one thing to anyone, it would be

(CALM DOWN!!!!)

this is all fucked up. i feel like i'm in high school pouring out my feelings to a xanga account.

there's two things that are fucked up. maybe three. okay three.

first, i'm fucked up. because i am too honest, i'm too giving, i invest myself too much in things that don't give back. i invest myself too much in PEOPLE that dont give back. i forget all the reasons i hate girls. i forget a lot of reasons. i'm fucked up this time of year to begin with...from mid-february for at LEAST the next two months i'm a guaranteed emotional, thinking/feeling mess who has no rhyme or reason for anything because i'm just pretty much recessing into some pseudo-form of depression and self preservation. i'm just defensive in all aspects, sleepy, angry, sad, touchy. MESS. add graduation to that mix of emotional mess, and that's fucked up. add people who you loved and trusted slowly recess into something you never thought they were, and that's fucked up.

which brings me to "second." im pissed at myself, because i never wanted to go back to that. i never wanted to go back to giving everything, being taken advantage of, under appreciated as a person and a friend, walked all over, kind of shit. this time was different. when i was younger and actually IN high school, i was used to it. i could see it coming, and i could deal with it. but these people who i trusted, who i gave everything to, who are reasons for me being here in the long run ...when they just slowly leave you out to dry when you're just the honest, involved, compulsive person you always have been and always will be.
i've always been blatantly honest. i've never been complacent. i've always been a doer and a mover. i've never just sat around and let things happen. i never say anything that isnt true, to the best of my knowledge. i never never NEVER NEVER NEVER!!!!!! If you've always known me to be so, then why is it so different now. if i trust you and you respect me and i respect you enough to do the things i do for you, why are you going to turn your back on me for being the way i've always been just because you get blindsided by life for a second. GROW UP. yes, i'm going to say "well i would do that." or "i can't beleive that. i could never think of that" BECAUSE I CANT. I SAY WHAT I THINK. YOU KNOW THESE THINGS.

third. i'm disappointed in those people. who loose sight of so much. i have not changed. i have been the same person i have been since day one. i get a boyfriend, i'm still honest. i go home every few weekends, who cares, i can still have fun. i become a senior, and it all goes down the drain? sure. when you get to the hardest part everyone who doesnt relate hangs you hight and dry. that's cool. i would give to shits if it weren't people i care about, but the people who i would never expect because they havent been the kind of rock these others have been are the ones sad to see me go meanwhile those close to you watch you fall apart and criticize you? well that's fucked up. get a grip. like i said, GROW UP, and think a little outside your box. get a little less self centered.

NO. when i say something, it's not because I want to see it go another way, it's because it's just what i think, or what i know is supposed to happen. its not because i want to move mountains or change the world or get any credit for anything. do what you want. get kicked in the ass later in life and think about all the things and people you left behind that would be there to wipe you up when you're flat across the floor like that. it's cool. people end up appreciating things like this and people like this eventually. it's just too unfortunate that i dont get to reap the benefits of such friendships because most people don't realize this kind of shit until it's all gone.

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you end your story." Orson Welles

I am completely aging too fast. I do not want to grow up. I want to live in this in-between 1030 monocacy-esque life forever. I've been excited to graduate, I've been slightly worried about my life and the future and how I'm going to function in society in two months. I've breifly thought about my own future and where I and the people I love will all be. To tell you the truth..the only thing that I do know is that I don't know any of these answers.

I have yet to hear back from a graduate school. I have yet to decide if I sacrifice a lot of myself and suck it up and work in a pretty demanding lifestyle, even if it was part-time. Or do I just get a full time job? I just don't have a clue. Who will I spend my time with. What will my life be like. I don't want to know because knowing means I'm there.

I do know, however, that this is not that big of a deal in the real scheme of things. I'll be fine. I'll have fun on the weekends or whatever nights that I can afford it. I will be really lame sometimes and I know it already. I will see the people I love as much as humanly possible, wherever they may be, and this is all the truth. I know that these things are easily answered, but that does not mean they are easy to address when you don't know anything about anything else. I can not tell you with great certainty where I will be in two or three months and that petrifies me. I like knowing. I like being in charge of my own life, calling my shots, or at least knowing what is on my plate for the coming days.

I hate being unplanned. I hate mystery, and I crave certainty and I would just really like some answers because this is the most ridiculous feeling in the world.

"Self-actualized people are independent of the good opinion of others" Dyer

The following is a look at the good and bad of my independence.

I feel, most often than not, that my incessant independence is one of my virtues. It's probably one of my most endearing qualities to others. It is good for myself, my experiences, and for the way I learn and have learned to handle and deal with whatever life has thrown at me. It is the heart and soul of my enthusiasm, of my drive (most of the time), and of my entire personality. I have grown to be an increadibly strong, and ridiculously independent woman, and in all actuality...I have always been. I was the girl too independent to wait for her mom to show her how to shave her legs. I was the girl too independent to admit when I need help. I was the girl so independent that I looked to barely anyone through one of the hardest times of my life.

Mostly, it sounds like I'm a girl who can do anything by herself...but in all actuality, when I shaved my legs without my mom, I bled; when I didn't admit I needed help, I failed (like literally, an F); and when I didn't turn to anyone, I was alone, and often times still am, in those feelings.

"A woman can say more in a sigh than a man can say in a sermon." Haultain

Much work is already ensuing for this upcoming V-Day. I am extremely glad I took on this responsibility here because it is very important to me to give back, stay involved, and really do something for a worthy cause.

"The true way to render ourselves happy is to love our work and find in it our pleasure." Motteville

I found myself parusing career networks today for fun. That is not fun. I do not want to do this at this juncture in my life. Although, on the other hand I will be more than happy to have the brunt of this school thing over...Passing on the time when the #1 (or #2 sometimes when ASA gets a little rambunctious) thing in my life is schoolwork, and everything I do is centered around it. It's going to be creepy, and not okay when I have to wake up and go to the real world every day.

I think that ideally, I wish to be accepted into graduate school, and work at KidsPeace. Right now, that's my plan of action. Let's see how this pans out.

And on a less serious note...Here's to one hell of a formal

Oh, Life

So...my hair color is fading, and so is my motivation. The more I think about it actually, so is my agreeableness and energetic spunk that usually gets me through the days. This only means one thing...the semester needs to hurry up and get itself over with.

A few things of note:

Currently I am working on my final project for Dr Marabella's class "Doing Good at Work." Most people thought it was a typo, but then again most people in my class are really not that smart, and are a bunch of guys looking to get an easy "A" (of which, they probably won't be getting, surprise). Though the three hour morning class is a grueling one, I'm glad I took it because this is a really great project and it's actually kind of cathartic to physically create and present my own Model of Doing Good, even if it is fucking up my day by being due three whole weeks before I actually even present it. I'll get over it. Also, I'm really quite good at Power Points. Lovely.

I am exhuberantly excited for this weekend for the following reasons - Stephen Strella, Alpha Sigma Alpha, Fun. Three things I haven't been able to truely enjoy in a hell of a while (meaning a good few weeks...but in college life, that is far more than enough downtime). I am almost too giddy that he is finally coming to visit again, and I don't even care how we spend the remainder of our time this weekend just because I am going to be able to do something I don't often have the opportuntiy to do...just be with him. Additionally, I am thinking that this semester's ASA formal will be spectacular. I am actually very reflective and proud to be in the 10th graduating class of Alpha Sigs at Moravian College. We really are a fantastic, wonderful, and poised group of women 90% of the time :). I can not wait for anything more than I can not wait to be having all of these good things going on simultaneously. I'm going to explode with joy.

Seriously, if one more professor gives me another paper/presentation/major assignment this week I'm going to vom right on them.

Agape*